


Nothing's Changed

by kawaiipose



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Bisexual Mark Lee (NCT), Childhood Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Ever - Freeform, Jealous Mark, M/M, Oblivious, background nomin mentions, gay donghyuck, jealous hyuck, lovesick hyuck, lovesick mark, markhyuck, oblivious idiots, rookies to idols !, theyve been in love for like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:42:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24584773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiipose/pseuds/kawaiipose
Summary: "Hyuck realises something after he stares at Mark too long when he dances, appreciates his cheekbones a little more than he really should, finds his eyes a little too pretty. He realises that maybe keeping some secrets were okay. Because Hyuck had an Earth-shattering secret of his own. One that Mark could never know."or, hyuck loves mark, mark loves mark, they're both idiots !
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 8
Kudos: 204





	Nothing's Changed

“I don’t even know if this is what I _want_.”

The confession startles Hyuck to the core. Sure, they’re young – Hyuck is barely thirteen – but he _knows_ this is the future he wants, the future he picked and worked towards for _himself._ The fact that Mark Lee, his some-what friend didn’t share this view was truly unexpected. In the dark of the dorm, Hyuck could see the outline of Mark’s face, his cheekbones casting deep shadows down his face in the moonlight. He looks older, tired, _scared._ Hyuck stands.

Mark looks even more scared as Hyuck walks over to his bed, feet scuffing. There’s something in Mark’s eyes when Hyuck sits next to him, a deep-set _horror,_ and Hyuck tries his hardest to ignore it when he places his hand on Mark’s shoulder.

“You might not know it, but _I_ do. Every employee in this frickin’ _company_ knows you belong on that stage, Mark, and don’t you forget it.”

“Don’t say frickin’,” comes Mark’s soft reply. Hyuck can’t believe he’s still chastising him, even when they’re having a _moment,_ but when he looks into Mark’s eyes the horror isn’t there anymore, so Hyuck grins triumphantly.

The next morning the two rookies have bags under their eyes and sleep stuck in the corners of their eyes. Their manager gives them a good _talk_ about not staying up so late (“idols need their sleep! You need this habit early on!”) but the boys barely listen, nodding along. The two don’t stop grinning all day – it was that giddy feeling only kids can have after a night of sharing secrets. Mark still insisted Hyuck was no friend of his, and Hyuck still teased him mercilessly, but it was a bond neither could really deny – a deep-rooted trust for one another that Hyuck had never felt before in his life.

-

Hyuck becomes Donghyuck, Donghyuck becomes Haechan. At first it was a way to chastise him, show him that he was getting older and things for him were rapidly changing, but his newest name brought him newfound confidence and bragging rights. Mark was just _Mark._ Hyuck? He was _Haechan._ Full-sun.

Mark argued he got to keep his name because he was mature enough to be _himself_ on stage, but Hyuck ignores him. Mark Lee had become meaner with age, angry at Hyuck over every smirk, every laugh, every _breath_ it seemed. Despite still picking fights with one another constantly, SM was extremely reluctant to separate the two. When Hyuck asked if he could move out of their joint room – and possibly _out_ of this new subunit, which felt like it was just _made_ so Mark could torture Hyuck – his manager simply smiled, saying something about Chemistry. Hyuck dismissed it – chemistry wasn’t exactly his strongest point in school.

With age comes new connections. Hyuck was desperate to get along with his newfound members, desperate to distant himself from the walking superiority complex that was Mark Lee. He _did_ get along with them – extremely easily actually, already becoming the ‘funny’ one out of the members – but it felt like Mark was inescapable.

He tried not to think about how quickly Mark was growing. He tried not to think about the fact that Mark was still the only person he could really tell his secrets to. He tried not to let it sting when Mark got along with new, _better_ people – tried not to let it cut him deep when he realised Mark was probably telling his secrets to someone new.

Sometimes it was easy to slip into their old dynamic – some nights they’d drop their insufferable arguing in favour of grabbing some popcorn, watching a movie and letting new secrets into the light. Mark didn’t really like pork that much, half the time it was too chewy. Hyuck really did like gaming, but he didn’t tell anyone because the managers would be mad about his lack of sleep. Stupid secrets, boring secrets, nothing like that first night they had become kind of friends ( _“I don’t even know if this is what I_ want _”_ ), but Hyuck basked in the familiarity of the two of them wholly trusting each other.

But sometimes it felt like Mark was keeping some of his secrets to himself. Some nights when the popcorn bowl was empty and the credits rolled he turned to Hyuck, mouth open, about to tell him something, ready to let everything slip. Hyuck would ask him a quiet “ _what is it, Hyung?”_ And Mark would just smile this sad smile, followed by a quiet “ _nothing.”_

Hyuck realises something after he stares at Mark too long when he dances, appreciates his cheekbones a little more than he really should, finds his eyes a little _too_ pretty. He realises that maybe keeping some secrets were okay. Because Hyuck had an Earth-shattering secret of his own. One that Mark could never know.

-

They grow apart more and more each day, and Hyuck _hates_ it.

It starts as their usual banter than edges on fighting, subtle comments here and there, words that stick, insults that rub Hyuck the wrong way. Fights turn into yelling; yells turn into screams. The other members tell them to shut up and fix their issues, and the statement scares him more than anything. Hyuck doesn’t _know_ what’s wrong. Mark resented him, Hyuck resented Mark _for_ resenting him. He couldn’t fix something when he didn’t have tools, _context._ They were broken beyond repair, and Hyuck was no relationship saver.

When Hyuck asks to switch rooms, the manager lets him.

Hyuck knows he’s cut Mark deep. He hears Mark asking _“Where’s Haechannie’s stuff?”,_ and Hyuck wonders if he made a mistake. Maybe they could have put a Band-Aid over this gaping hole between them, that way they could fix everything together.

Mark is definitely cut deep – he’s asked for the choreography to be changed. And that’s just _fine,_ because Hyuck _wins._ Mark is hurt, and it’s all Hyuck’s fault. An evil grin passes across his face.

Of course it’s just for show. Hyuck lies awake at night, tears slipping silently down his cheeks. _Mark is hurt and it’s all Hyuck’s fault._ In the dead of night, moonlight shining from the window, Hyuck can admit he misses Mark and their little joint room. He misses being the one that makes Mark laugh (head thrown back, shark teeth on full display) instead of the one he refuses to look at (eyes sad, mouth constantly twisted in a scowl).

He misses their talks, their _secrets,_ most of all. Hyuck wonders if it’s his secret that caused this – maybe Mark found that Hyuck found him handsome, funny, perfect, amazing in every way possible. It wasn’t exactly unnatural to Hyuck – his mother had raised him to accept love in all its forms – but Mark wasn’t brought up like him, Mark was _nothing like him._ Hyuck decides he’s taking his secret to the grave.

-

Things get better for two days, but pride gets in the way, and Hyuck isn’t one to forget. He decides he’s okay with liking Mark in the night-time and resenting him in the day, no matter how much it hurts.

-

Things get better for real weeks later. Mark simply sits across from him during breakfast and slams his coffee mug down. Hyuck, startled, looked up and met Mark’s eyes for what feels like the first time in months – he looked tired, bags under his eyes. For a moment it reminds him of years ago, and his frown deepens.

“I can’t do this anymore,” Mark said, his grip on his mug so tight his knuckles looked like they were about to split through his skin. Hyuck looked from his hand to his face, desperate to reach out and smooth his fingers. But that was odd on _normal_ terms – sure he was hands-y with Mark before, but after his revelation about a week ago, he wasn’t going to risk it.

When Hyuck doesn’t make any sign of acknowledging what Mark said, he tries again. “I can’t fight with you. It... ugh, _fuck,_ I hate saying this, but I miss being friends.”

“Don’t say fuck,” Hyuck’s reply was soft. Mark looked shocked at first, but then he smiled, all lopsided and sweet and Hyuck’s heart pulsated a little _too_ quickly, to the point that it hurt his chest. “We’re friends?” Hyuck added, now grinning.

“I... ugh, _yes, Hyuck,_ we’re friends. Happy?”

“Very.” He really was.

-

Hyuck gets used to being Mark’s friend, and he really, _really_ likes it.

He likes touching Mark’s ears, pinching his cheeks, teasing him. And even though half the time Mark pushes him away, Mark’s grin is always one of softness, his cheekbones prominent. Hyuck can pinch his cheeks now, whenever he wants, and Mark _won’t_ be angry – it’s a concept that takes getting used to in the best way. And yes, Hyuck knows he’s falling down a rabbit hole, but right now he’s just falling day after day; he can deal with the crash when the day comes. For now he indulges in this new closeness with Mark, this new trust, a deeper level than before.

They watch movies again. They stay up telling secrets in the living room, giggling at each other’s jokes while the other members slept. Sometimes that look comes back and Mark opens and shuts his mouth like a fish gasping for air – Hyuck would find it funny if it wasn’t for the bittersweet look in Mark’s eyes, the stinging reminder that there were some secrets Hyuck would probably never know.

Some nights they cuddled closer than Hyuck remembers them ever being in their dorm, and he thinks maybe he should just come out and say it, say that he loved Mark’s smile and his erratic giggling and his high cheekbones and the way he danced like nobody and everybody was watching all at once, how he rapped like his life depended on it, how he trusted Hyuck and _only_ Hyuck with all his quirks and secrets. But then he gets almost petty – if Mark can keep secrets, so can _he._ So he stays silent.

-

One night they’re watching this cheesy rom-com, and Hyuck’s mind drifts to the future, the inescapable doom of growing old. Something in him just knows his fate will always be entangled with Mark’s, but not in the way he wants. He knows he’ll end up being the uncle to his children, the sad, pitiful best friend, hopelessly watching on the sidelines, hopelessly in love.

He lets himself admit it, because the first stage of moving on is acceptance.

Yeah, he loves Mark Lee.

_To the grave,_ he remembers.

-

SM is all about the money, the fame and the _fans._ So when Yuta gets a little _too_ close to Mark in an interview, it’s on. Photos together. Planned bits together. Endless flirting. It feels like the future is already unravelling before Hyuck. He watches from the sidelines. It really, really hurts.

Hyuck’s always been flirty, the one flirting, not the one watching from afar. It’s weird. Seeing Yuta say things _he_ said, touching Mark’s face, his cheeks, his ears. Hyuck misses when it was _his_ hands. He missed when it was him Mark would laugh at. Laugh _with._

It seeps into his choreography, his facial expressions, his words; this jealousy, leaking into his veins and overtaking his body. He can’t help the roll of his eyes as they dance through the choreography, can’t help the pinch in his expression as Yuta flirts seamlessly with Mark, right under his nose. It digs a wedge between them and Hyuck hates it, hates that he’s the one _putting_ the wedge there.

And when Hyuck gets _really_ pissy, everything becomes a competition. Hyuck tries his hardest to flirt effortlessly with everyone. He flirts with Jeno, ignoring Jaemin’s glares, he flirts with Jaehyun, but he just smiles and laughs at him. And in that part of the _Baby Don’t Like It_ choreography, Hyuck doesn’t hesitate to pull Taeil closer, to run his hands up his face and into his hair. As he turns to dance, he doesn’t miss the clench of Mark’s jaw. Hyuck can’t help but smile his little evil smile – Mark never could take what he dishes out.

Even though he’s pleased, pleased that Mark seems to be hurting as much as him, it leaves him empty in the worst way. When Mark and him are fighting, or even when they’re just passive aggressive, all the flowers in his chest wither, all the butterflies in his stomach drop. It feels like something is missing – something so undeniably Mark Lee that it makes him _angry._ Angry because he _knows_ that nobody can fill the void inside of him like Mark does. Angry because clearly it isn’t like that for Mark. Angry because Mark doesn’t _have_ a Hyuck-sized void in _his_ chest, angry because he’s just another dose of attention to him, another member watching him grow into a loved idol, watching with love, admiring from afar.

It makes him angry but anger fades. It fades and leaves another void inside of him, but this one fills over time, sadness trickling into his every move, replacing the jealousy, the burning. He’s mellow and droopy and _heavy,_ and he just wishes that everything could disappear.

-

“Hyuck?”

“Yeah?”

“So, uhm... you and Taeil?”

The K-drama they were watching played lazily in the background. Things had been undeniably tense between them, but Hyuck missed Mark more than he’d admit. So when Mark had offered to watch the K-drama with him, Hyuck’s mouth had already said yes before his brain could command it to say no.

Hyuck whipped around to see a blushing, embarrassed Mark Lee. Popcorn seemed to be everywhere – Hyuck must have dropped it when he turned so fast. It was his turn to blush, fumbling around in their blankets, trying to find all the popcorn bits. When he thought he had gotten most of it back in the bowl, he turned back to Mark, who was pointedly watching the TV. His blush had turned from pink to a crimson red. Despite the odd question and the swelling feeling of _hope_ in his chest, he laughed at Mark.

“What about Taeil?”

Mark looked at him with a look that was impossible to decipher, like his eyes were trying to tell him a million things at once.

“What about Taeil, Mark,” Hyuck repeated, now serious. It seemed to snap the two of them out of their staring contest, as both looked away.

“I just mean you guys seem a lot... um, closer. I know how close you already _were,_ so maybe I’m seeing things? I don’t know...”

Hyuck looked up at Mark again. Did he think he and Taeil were? ...

Oh. Oh shit.

“No! no, no, no, no, Mark, oh my fucking _god”-_

“Don’t say _fucking_ ,” Mark whispered. Hyuck smiled at that. They had come full circle.

“I’m not dating Taeil Mark, you absolute idiot.”

“Who said anything about dating?”

“Mark”-

“I mean, do you like him? Think of him that way? I’m not gonna judge you or tell anyone that - um, _if,_ if sorry – you’re gay?”

“Mark”-

“Are you? You can trust me enough to tell me. I promise I have nobody to tell”-

“ _Mark Lee if you keep talking I’m going to lose it.”_

“Sorry! I’m sorry.” If Mark was blushing before, now his face is fully red, eyes closed, wincing. Hyuck can’t help but laugh.

“Mark I don’t like Taeil like that okay?”

There was a pause. Hyuck sucked in a breath.

“And I... I don’t know what I am. Honestly. I know... I know I’m not normal. I know I don’t look at girls the way Johnny does. I know that sometimes I see Jaemin and Jeno and I want what they have. Sometimes I just want to stop feeling altogether. And if I am, I can’t admit it. It would cost my life.”

Mark’s eyes were open now, soft and staring, full of this overwhelming pity and sadness.

“And I know...” Hyuck breathed in again. _To the grave,_ he reminded himself. But he wasn’t going to _tell him_ tell him. He just had to tell _someone_ at least _some_ of his feelings, so the pressing weight on his chest would dissipate.

“I know... I’m in love with a boy.”

As soon as he said it, Hyuck put his head in his hands, running his fingers through his abnormally long hair – he really needed the stylist to cut it soon. He didn’t feel sad or even anxious – he trusted Mark with everything he owned. But tears flowed silently on their own – the realisation that he _was_ different. He was so caught up in loving Mark that he hadn’t stopped to think of what that really meant.

“Me too.”

Hyuck lifted his head so fast his neck cracked. He winced, but his eyes didn’t leave Mark’s face. He too, was crying. Silently, tears slipped from his eyes down his cheeks. Hyuck’s eyes widened.

“I don’t think of girls the way I... the way I think about this guy.”

Hyuck’s heart sunk. _Yuta._

“Like I think girls are pretty and amazing and great... like don’t get me wrong, I think of them in _some_ way.”

Hyuck felt confused, but he didn’t interrupt.

“It’s just like... what I feel for girls is child’s play compared to whatever it is that I feel about... him. The guy, I mean. And I haven’t told anyone because I can probably get away with it.”

Hyuck interrupted then. “What?”

Mark looked up. The tears were falling faster. His words were slurring, weighed down by his sobs. “I know what I am. Bisexual. I know I could get away with just liking girls, no questions asked. I know I could bury this side of me, I know I could forget it exists, erase it in a way. But what I feel... it follows me around. I can’t _forget him._ It’s been forever and nothing’s changed.”

Hyuck kept his eyes on him, reaching out to grab his shoulder, anchoring him. Mark looked away and let himself cry for a moment before speaking again. “It’s been _years._ Years of my life hiding it and doing all these stupid as fuck things just to _hide_ it, but I can’t carry it around anymore.”

Donghyuck couldn’t take it anymore – he pushed himself to his feet and pulled Mark up with him. Mark’s face creased with confusion but Hyuck didn’t look at his face for long; he pulled Mark Lee, the boy he’d loved since he was thirteen, into the tightest hug he could give. Fuck, he really did love Mark Lee.

More than anything. He realised it fully right there as Mark’s armed slowly wrapped around his waist, he realised as Mark sobbed into his shoulder, broken. He realised that it didn’t matter if he was sitting in the sidelines of Mark’s life forever – a part of him – a huge, gaping part of him – would always want _more,_ but he was honoured. Honoured to be able to sit there and watch Mark Lee live a happy, fulfilling life. He was happy to sacrifice whatever happiness he could have for the certainty of Mark having it all. It was scary, and it made Hyuck cry a little harder, but he wasn’t sad anymore. Maybe over losing his happiness, his hope, but he knew that a part of him would always be satisfied if Mark was.

He really did love Mark Lee with his entire heart.

-

“I feel the same.”

It had been two weeks since the night – the night Donghyuck accepted his fate. He sits closer to Mark than usual. Mark looks lighter than he has probably ever – his eyes aren’t cloudy like before, his lips constantly tugged in a tiny smile. It’s contagious; Hyuck’s lips tilt up in turn.

“The same?”

“As when we were thirteen – well, I was fourteen. But you know what I mean.”

Hyuck mulls over that for a second. Then the words come back to him, Mark’s scared little voice ringing in his head. _I don’t even know if this is what I_ want.

“Really? Mark, I’ll tell you now what I told you then: you might not know it, but I”-

“No, no, that’s not what I meant.”

They were facing each other now, looking at each other. Hyuck had never been so confused. Mark just looked content.

Like he was finally ready – the secret he’d been holding onto all of those years? It felt like he was ready to share it with him.

“I’m still scared. I’m still overwhelmed...” Mark looked down again, and Hyuck felt it – felt how similar this was to that night all those years ago. “I still don’t know if I can face the consequences of this. And I still don’t know if the way I feel will ruin everything I have.”

He looked up at Hyuck again. He was smiling.

“But I know my future would be so weird without you. And I know I get jealous when I see you with literally any guy that isn’t me. And... and I know that I still feel the same way I felt when I was thirteen. I know... I know I’m still in love with you. And I know you’re not someone I can just get over. Ever.”

Hyuck was so shocked he couldn’t. when he tried to, he could just open and close his mouth like a fish gasping for air. Mark smiled wider at that before his face got serious.

“But there’s still some things I don’t know... but I think. And I think... I think the boy you love is me. And I could be totally completely fucking wrong here”-

“Don’t say _fucking_.”

Mark looked up at him – _into_ him. Like he could see every thought, every mistake, every curse, every _blessing._ Like he could see all of his faults. Like he was looking past them, looking into his good features, the ones that make him _him._

And Hyuck just had to kiss him.

It was slow and awkward at first – finding a rhythm really is harder than it looks. But then it _clicked_ and suddenly everything else did – everything in Hyuck’s life made sense, like everything was intertwined and linked so he could reach this moment, so he could feel Mark’s hands in his hair, so he could pull Mark closer by his shirt. It was like everything he had done right, everything he had done wrong, everything he had ever questioned and everything he had been certain of had lead him along this path, this path to Mark he had always been on. Like his destiny was right here, lips on is, hands roaming, _searching._

For once, Hyuck stops thinking. He just is.

-

The next morning, they have bags under their eyes. Mark looks like he hasn’t slept in years, his dancing is sloppy, almost dangerously so. Hyuck’s back hurts in the most uncomfortable way, so his dancing isn’t exactly top tier either. The other members are mad, managers are grumbling and everyone seems mad, but the boys barely listen. The two don’t stop grinning all day – it was that giddy feeling, just like the one they felt as kids, after a night of making love and talking about anything and everything. Mark was still weird around affection and Hyuck never could stop teasing Mark if he tried, but the bond is there. The bond neither can’t – and never could again – deny, a deep-rooted love for one another that neither had ever felt before in their life.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated !! :)  
> let me know if you want a mark POV chapter !


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